About AMERICAN REMAKES

Hollywood makes remakes of foreign movies.

Why in hell do they do that?

(I mean except for the obvious monetary gain).

Are Americans so damn fucking stupid that they cannot watch a movie with subtitles?

I doubt it…

I love foreign movies. They are so original and unique and different compared to the Hollywood recipe. Not that Hollywood doesn’t make good and even great movies but they are most often geared towards cheer entertainment and not much else. Here is where the difference may lie:

Entertainment VS Enlightenment

Popcorn VS Art

Movies VS Films

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is coming out this December (U.S. Version) and it is directed by David Fincher with a score from Award Winners Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross (I’m a total NAIL head). I’m sure it’s gonna be great but it is the EXCEPTION.

Back in the late nineties, the French movie Taxi was a huge hit. A pimped up Peugeot that upgrades Knight Rider style, insane car chases, and a young sexy Marion Cotillard pretty much followed the Hollywood formula with some French humor on top. It was produced by Luc Besson after all and spawned 2 sequels. A few years later, the American remake featured Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon. Need I say more?

Recently, we also got the Dinner for Schmucks, a remake of a French hit comedy based on a play. That was another fucking disaster.

So please, all mighty-Hollywood, can you stop this shit?

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ABOUT Slackers…

I hate slackers. Here’s what happened.

I have been looking for an artist to draw my comic stories for a while and at some point, I had two (yes, two) people who said they were interested in working with me. They basically approached me about it.

I gave them each a 3 pages story (that’s 3 comic book pages to draw) and waited. After a few weeks, when neither of them turned in anything, I emailed them and they told me they were gonna get to it and made some excuse that they had no time, blah, blah, blah…

It’s been now over 2 months and NOTHING happened. Fuck them. How fucking unprofessional are you? If you can’t do 3 pages, how do you expect to ever break into this business???

Of course I am not mentioning names,… that would be uncouth.

Slackers are everywhere and as if it wasn’t enough that they fuck with people like me who are stupid enough to rely on them, they are also (and probably worst of all) WASTING their lives and potential. So many people do that, they put obstacles in their own way, making excuses for sucking at life when they should just be DOING IT already (and I’m not talking about intercourse here, though, they probably should do that as well).

The good news is I finally got in touch with someone who is not a slacker and you’ll be able to see our work soon… so stay tuned.

That’s it! I’m kind of slacking today.

About Consumerist Assholes

Every fucking day.

They are roaming the streets, looking for stuff to fill the holes in their dark souls.

Some people, apparently, do not work. They spend their days walking around, going from one Starbuck to the other, ordering skin milk low-fat vanilla lattes while “face-timing” their friends on their bejeweled I-phones. I fucking hate rich people. Almost as much as they hate their fucking useless lives.

They have no dreams or hopes or goals. They just wander the shops aimlessly and endlessly, buying shit they don’t need with money they don’t deserve. You’d think they’d be happy. But it seems that it hurts to crack a fucking smile, don’t it???

It’s the herd, the beast…yep, I read the Fountain Head and so should you. Though Ayn Rand’s vision of a man who doesn’t need people to live his life and find happiness is far-fetched and un-conclusive (in my view), her warning of a society which worships mediocrity has become real. You gotta have money and buy cool shit, that way, surely, you’ll be respected and the rest of the herd will like you, they will approve of you.

Fuck this!

Fuck the fucking herd which cannot think for themselves. Fuck the entitled bourgeois who needs new overpriced furniture for his new overpriced condo. Fuck them all!

Sure they are already in hell, stuck in a making money mechanism which will never let go of them. Till the end, they will buy, they will contribute to society since society is now another word for corporations.

Fuck the corporations, fuck the assholes who buy this shit.

Now what do we do? They’re not gonna stop, they are addicted to buying shit. How do we stop them from buying and bring them towards giving?  Yeah, they should give me their money. I mean, clearly, they don’t know what to do with it since they keep on buying stupid crap. If I were in their place, at least, I’d get a Playstation, just saying.

So, if you are one of those over-privileged assholes, do me a favor. Buy your fucking condo, buy your fucking over-priced furniture, buy your stupid ass gigantic flat screen TV, lock yourself in and fucking die already! You over-privileged useless piece of shit!!!

Sincerely,

The Angry Frenchman.

About the RULES of the ROAD

Yesterday, my wife dropped me off at work around 12pm. She then went onto Burnside St. While waiting at the stop light, she was rear-ended by a white minivan with an old man in it. She stepped out of the car to inspect the damage on the rear bumper and to get the other driver’s insurance infos. As she stepped out, the minivan went around our car and nearly ran into her as it flew the scene. My startled wife, unable to see the license plate, proceeded to chase the van through the Pearl District.

Unfortunately, the minivan did not respect the Rules of the Road. My wife did, rendering her unable to catch up with him.

She called the cops. Nothing they can do. They told her that 85% of fender benders are hit and run.

That sounds about right, since I firmly believe that 85% of the world population are complete assholes. How else do you explain the state of things?

My wife has muscle tear in her shoulder and is now wearing a sling. This sucks.

Every day, my wife and I are on the road and every day we see people breaking the Rules of the Road. Incessantly so. I go the speed limit on the freeway. I drive in the center lane. Yet, I get passed by speeding cars left and right, not a cop in sight except for the habitual Monday-morning-drive-to-work-up-and-down-the-hill-speeding-ticket-extravaganza.

People are jerks, and what happened to my wife is fucking outrageous. Why do we even bother having rules of the road if they are so blatantly broken?

As you might know, I am French, and we seem to have the reputation of being crazy drivers but still, we’re not as bad as Italians. We actually stop at the red lights after all.

I guess, I am just disappointed in Americans. You would think that a nation built around cars and roads would be respectful of the Rules of the Road.

Perhaps we should have no rules. Germans have no speed limits on freeways and they have less car accidents than any other European nations.

If there were no rules, there would be no rules to break. Perhaps that is the solution.

Never the less, you, white minivan guy… I hope you fucking die and rot in hell. I hope I fucking find you one day and fist fuck your eye sockets so deep, the tiny nut you use for brain spills out your fucking ears. I hate you fuck-face.

About School for assholes

Doing good is no good. I see people being terribly, terribly evil every fucking day and they don’t seem to be punished for it. Instead, they seem to be praised for being assholes.

I remember as a kid that I had to learn the value of hard work and discipline, that somehow you would eventually get rewarded for it. After all, isn’t that what kids are taught in school? If you’re good and do your homework and all that, you’ll be rewarded. Santa will bring you a fire truck.

In reality, this is not the case. People with money (the reward, apparently) are most often total assholes. And worst of all, they also happen to be in charge, therefore proving my point. The school system has its values all wrong.

This is why we need a NEW type of school: The SCHOOL for ASSHOLES. We would offer all kind of classes.

Some would be focusing on how to climb the corporate ladder through sheer brown nosing:

-“How much ass kissing is too much ass kissing? Don’t stop just because you smell shit, only stop if your nose gets wet.”

Others would teach you how to suck miles upon miles of dick until you reach a managerial position. You would practice annihilating your gag reflex along with your conscience and self respect.

We would also teach children how to control their faces. You cannot become the boss if you don’t know how to fake a smile. It doesn’t matter your grandma died yesterday. Why don’t you smile already? It will surely make everything better and your boss will applaud you for it.

We’ll also teach them how to lie, of course. How do you expect to be in charge (meaning, politics) if you don’t know how to lie with a smile on your face? Come on, it’s not that hard. If you believe it, they’ll believe it. Just keep in mind that people are stupid.

I know it sounds kinda hard and I’m sure they’ll be some stupid drop-outs, stupid honest kids and some idealists who don’t believe in being assholes and using people for their own benefit. Too bad for them, they’ll never amount to anything and probably end up singing on the streets some hippie songs crap. You don’t make an omelet without breaking eggs, right? Not my problem they don’t wanna play the game.

About PISSING on CHURCHES

I like it. I started when I was a teenager. My buddies and I would spend the evening at the Pub and, on our way back, we would walk by the old church. It’s a beautiful building in Saint Jean D’Angely…well, HALF a beautiful building. See the CATHEDRAL that was to stand there was never finished because of wars and such. All that stands are the two beautiful Roman style towers that were to be the entrance to the Cathedral. And behind it, is the church, an ugly grey building.

What does that have to do with pissing on churches you ask? Nothing. I just like the Abbey Towers a lot. But yes, that’s when I started pissing on churches. You know, after a few beers, I’m like a fucking fountain. I’ve got a load of golden water to unleash on GOD’s house. And I do it as an act of defiance, of course. Not against god in particular. He’s just an old poor retiree. No, against the system of the church specifically I think. You might think it’s immature and stupid…well, what? Haven’t you met me yet?

It’s illegal though. You cannot piss outside in public. I don’t understand why. Animals do it all the time. That’s how they know they own shit. I’m not quite sure if it’s illegal in France…you know, we do crazy shit. But it sure is illegal in the US. How am I suppose to make things MINE if I can’t piss on them? And it’s just so much fun you know. I really enjoy pissing in the nightly breeze. When I piss on something it’s like my communion with nature and modernity mixed up all in one. I feel I belong to that dark Alley’s wall I’m pissing on and I feel it belongs to me. Pissing on things is an act of communism where everything belongs to everybody.

That’s why I think it should be legalized. Pissing on things should be considered a compliment, since it’s a sign you want to own them. We could have pissing parties where everyone would meet up and piss together on pre-decided landmarks. Just imagine, thousands of people pissing on the Eiffel Tower together. A beautiful golden river flowing down the Champs Elysees…hah, so pretty as it reflects the sunlight. Before 1989, everyone would have gathered to piss on the Berlin Wall. All of China could meet up at the Great Wall and create a great chain of piss that can be seen from Space.

Now, I don’t think we should piss on each other though. I know some of you are excited by the idea but NO, I mean, come on, that’s just plain GROSS.

About PROPHECY ( I want to know what YOU think!)

Every day, I get my daily (and monthly and weekly) HOROSCOPE in my email and I read it religiously, praying it will bring good news. Though I do not BELIEVE in it, I feel I’m stuck with it.

Here is the one I got for this past Monday:

Monday, Aug 15th, 2011 — You may face resistance from friends and colleagues who believe that your current strategy is not a very good one. You don’t mind a bit of healthy sparring, even if someone cajoles you into seeing things from a different perspective. But you’re not as easygoing once you realize that your opponent is not giving up. You are able to heed good advice, but aren’t interested in anyone making critical decisions for you or telling you what to do. Graciously accept the constructive feedback, and then follow your heart. 

“Look UP! it’s all written in the stars!”

None of this ACTUALLY happened. Of course not. There is no way of predicting the future. My wife and I are both Aquarius so, logically, our paths should be the exact same ones, right?

This prediction is also contradictory and open ended. Of course, they NEVER tell you EXACTLY what’s gonna happen because nobody fucking knows. Basically it’s telling me that I will not like people telling me what to do. Well, DUH!!! Who the hell enjoys having someone telling them what to do??? If so, what is your problem, are you a masochist of some sort??? And since everybody has a job with a boss who eventually tells you what to do, this prediction ought to happen at some point on a working Monday. But, in case it doesn’t, it also tells me to follow my heart just in case I have the balls to tell my boss to F-OFF. Because that happens too. Like I said, contradictory and open ended.

Now, why in the actual fuck am I still reading this every day? Well, I believe that if it tells me something good is gonna happen, then it is gonna happen. See, there is this thing called: Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. Let’s say you have a test tomorrow and you’ve been studying your butt off; but, for some reason, you think you will fail. Well, you will fail.  The thought of failing will influence your behavior in such a way that you will, in fact, FAIL. The state of mind is everything. So when I get a bad horoscope, I do my best to ignore it and totally and utterly FORGET about it. That way, I only get the good stuff.

When one reads his or her horoscope in the morning, those things are bound to happen because we will MAKE them happen. It’s all a matter of belief. Pretty spiritual stuff, huh?

I find this whole idea of self-fulfilled prophecy damn fascinating. It makes me wonder about the after-life and our perception of the world as a whole. You know, I heard about this idea that the world could be a projection of our collective consciousness and all that, I think that’s related. For the afterlife, it makes me wonder… If someone believes in heaven, then, perhaps just based on the fact that they believe in a happy afterlife, they might actually get one once they die? And if they believe in hell and judge themselves sinful, perhaps they go into their own mind-created Hell too? What if you believe in nothing? Do you just cease to exist?

What is the true extend of our mind power? Is there a collective consciousness? What is your experience with Self-Fulfilled prophecy?

I can’t wait to see what YOU think!